​By the happynesswalas™, Vaani and AVIS

7-minute read
Synopsis:
Having a companion who is willing to hold your hand, and your heart, through Life’s inscrutable journey, is a priceless blessing. It is Happiness.

​Now, you may meet a lot of people in Life. Some of these people may turn out to be good friends too. But beyond such friends, and close family, only a fellow voyager is a true, long-term companion. They alone walk alongside you, every step of the way – no matter what the circumstances are. Such companionship is possible only when both partners go beyond the event of falling in love, and continuously rise in love and stay loving.
When such companionship happens, any challenge can be patiently faced – and overcome – together. 

​Style guide: Vaani and AVIS spell Life with a capital ‘L’ and Happiness with a capital ‘H’. This is because both of them believe that Life is the greatest teacher and Happiness is the biggest wealth. However, when quoting the subjects of their writings, they use these two words without the accentuated capitalization of their first letters.

Our young friend Prashanth asked us a question the other day: “Don’t you ever get bored of each other?”

Prashanth is 25. We often meet him at our neighborhood grocery store. Sometimes we pause in the aisles to have a chat with him. We talk about the weather, cricket, movies, books and politics.

Of course, we found his question intriguing. Sensing this, he expanded on it: “I see you both always together. I wonder if you ever get bored of being with each other. Or is this what they call ‘true love’”?

We both smiled at each other and then at Prashanth. AVIS replied first: “Love is staying loving, no matter what the circumstances are or what’s happening around us. And staying loving is celebrating each other’s presence in our Life.” And Vaani added, “To us this means enjoying being with each other and being happy with what we have.” 

​Having known each other for 37 years and having lived together for 35 years, we have gone past the cliched state of ‘falling in love and being happily married ever after’. 

​Rise in love
We have come to believe that the popular definition of ‘falling in love’ restricts the entire process of romance to a single event – to when the ‘falling’ happened. Also, marriage signifies a second, defining and epochal event. And then it is as if it is all over. The romance is done and dusted with marriage. Besides, over time, the marriage grows older and, in most cases, it is therefore boring.

But, interestingly, that’s not how we have experienced each other and our being together, our companionship.

We married in February 1989 to fulfill societal norms that were tough to negotiate back then. AVIS was 21 and Vaani was 22. We had a lot of fun growing up together. We built a family and home with our two beautiful children. We traveled the world and ran a successful pan-India business in the first 19 years of our Life as a couple. And then, over the next 18 years, up until now, we have been enduring a prolonged bankruptcy.

Yet, in all this time, we haven’t quite grown bored of each other. We believe we have celebrated our lows as much as we have celebrated our highs. Now, a bankruptcy can take a huge toll on a family: It is not really the lack of money alone that is crippling. Those experiencing the situation are crushed emotionally. And, when it spans two decades, everyone has grown older and has lost several precious years dealing with a complex Life situation.

Many relationship experts have talked about a couple breaking up when a crisis hits them. We have seen it happen to couples around us too. But we both have not just survived, we are thriving through our crisis. And if there is one reason why we believe this is happening, it is because we have stayed loving.

Loving, yes, in the present continuous tense. Clearly, we didn’t just stop with falling in love, we have continued to rise in love. We learned about rising in love from one of Osho’s discourses. He asks in it, profoundly:  “People who fall in love have every chance of falling out of love. But what if people rise in love all the time?”

​We could instantly relate to that perspective. We are the rising-in-love type in every possible way. 

​The importance of companionship
Now, is it possible for everyone to find love, stay loving and rise in love?

Before we answer that question, let us understand why companionship is important in Life.

Anyone who has reflected on the process of Life will know that it is completely inscrutable. Life guarantees us nothing. And yet it continuously surprises us.

When you like the surprises you receive you believe that Life’s beautiful. That’s when you are getting what you want. You are then happy and think that you are in control of your Life. Having a companion by your side further accentuates the high you are experiencing. In such times, you are also surrounded by many other people who you think like you and love you: Friends, extended family, business associates and hangers-on.

But, as it always happens, over time, Life changes. You may be saddled with what you don’t want or you may not get what you want. Also, despite all your efforts, integrity and intelligence, you simply can’t gain control of your Life. This phase may sometimes last for a long, long time. You also then discover that all the people who were around you have now drifted away. For some people, their companion too has moved on. You find that you are very unhappy and lonely. That’s really when you long for love, understanding and companionship.

Importantly, having a companion who is willing to hold your hand, and your heart, through the darkness, is a priceless blessing. A companion does not necessarily have a magic wand to solve Life’s problems, but their presence in your Life is magical. It makes the toughest of journeys bearable and meaningful.

Now, you may meet a lot of people in Life. Some of these people may turn out to be good friends too. But beyond such friends, and close family, only a fellow voyager is a true, long-term companion. They alone walk alongside you, every step of the way.

​True companionship has no label. It is free of restrictive societal frameworks. It has no gender bias. It just calls for both partners to walk together. It requires them to go beyond the event of falling in love, and perhaps of marriage too, and continuously rise in love and stay loving.

​Understanding what loving is
When such companionship happens there is no boredom. There’s only loving and Happiness, 24/7. Any challenge then can be patiently faced – and overcome – together.

We use the word loving consciously. It is above the idea of love, the noun. Loving is a verb, in the present, continuous tense. Loving is a continuous flowing of love. It is a celebration of each other’s presence no matter what the circumstances are.

You see, when two young people meet, and are drawn to each other, there is usually a physical quality to the attraction between them. But when they spend more and more time with each other, the physical attraction begins to wear off. Simply, it is not only great sex that they are looking for from each other. The couple may not be able to always articulate their feelings clearly. But what they are looking for is a more engaged presence, a deeper friendship, an unrestricted companionship between them. This shift in needs is quite natural. Besides, over the years, how people look also changes. They often put on weight as they grow older. Now, if the relationship between two people was based on how they once looked, these physical changes will begin to take a toll on their relationship.

Additionally, the circumstances in anyone’s Life are constantly changing. The couple may come by more career growth, wealth, prosperity, fame and power. Or they may lose all that they once had. Or one of them may have a serious, debilitating health condition or an addiction that holds them hostage. Or each person in the relationship thinks the other has changed because of the circumstances.

Which is, overall, you begin to feel that the person that you fell in love with is no longer the person you are living with.

​But what if you saw the whole situation differently? Is the person you were loving back then someone that you are still loving now? The emphasis is on the loving. Not on the looks. Not on the circumstances. The act of loving takes many factors into account: Is this person understanding, is this person caring, is this person feeling, is this person listening? Is this person there for you – always? And are you, in turn, understanding, caring, feeling and listening? Are you there for this person – always? So, loving really means this: “I am loving you for who you have always been and are. It doesn’t matter if how you look has changed or what you do has changed or our circumstances have changed. What is important is that the way we are loving each other remains unchanged. It is the same as the way we were loving each other back when we first met.”
If the loving has not changed over time, it may not change in the future too. But if the loving has changed, then the couple must sit down and talk about it: Calmly, candidly, compassionately. This must happen over several mature conversations. And either they must agree to revive the way they can stay loving or they must choose to move on. The single criteria governing that choice must be their mutual and collective Happiness.
To stay loving is to rise in love. Loving does not need any societal approval like the stamp of a marriage. Importantly, marriage does not necessarily make a couple happy or loving. And to stay loving and happy a couple don’t need to be married. Look around you. Consider the stories of a few couples you know. And you will find this truth staring you in the face. On the other hand, it is companionship, and companionship alone, that inspires loving and Happiness.   

​Let the celebrations never stop
Loving also means always making the time to celebrate momentous milestones and memories, however simply.

AVIS proposed to Vaani on Monday, February 22, 1988, under a rain tree near her home in Chennai. He asked her, “Aren’t we getting dangerously close to each other?” And she replied instantly, looking into his eyes, “Yes.” However, it was only a week later, on the following Monday, February 29, 1988, that both of us firmly agreed to move forward with the idea of a Life together. We celebrated that moment with a box of Cadbury Nutties – the first gift that AVIS got Vaani.

Every leap year, we celebrate our decision to be together: Quietly, beautifully.

​This year we had a box of Cadbury Nutties marking that celebration. Nutties cost Rs.5 a pack back in 1988. A pack of Nutties costs Rs.45 now. In a sense, the price inflation mirrors our loving. Both have risen; but our loving has risen, well, limitlessly. 

Focus on the relating, not on the relationship
It is important to remember that each person’s Life journey is unique. Some people, like us both, find love, meaning and companionship early in Life – and find the loving flowing continuously. Some others find a loving companion but are not able to live with them. Some people get married and find their partner to be loving. Others in a similar context do not have the same experience. Some find companionship and love outside their marriage. Some get stuck in unhappy relationships and keep longing for love.

No matter what the context is, pausing to think deeply about Life helps. You will then realize that Life is a gift. And it is a limited-period offer. No one can afford to squander the time they have left on this planet.

​So, if you are unhappy in your relationship, or are seeking companionship, act now. Urgently. When there is no relating between two people, no matter what the relationship is called, the relationship is not just dysfunctional, it is dead. There is no point clinging on to a dead relationship if you can’t relate to the other person in it. You must simply let go of the relationship and move on.

And almost always, when you let go, when you uncling from a relationship, you will find a believing, trusting, loving companion waiting for you out there with open arms.

‘Humsafar’ is the word commonly used for companion in Hindi and Urdu. It denotes a soulmate and literally means fellow traveler or fellow voyager. It has Persian and Arabic origins. This word amplifies the point we have been making: Which is, the presence of a companion, a ‘humsafar’, a fellow voyager, makes this inscrutable journey of Life magical, beautiful and meaningful.

​Being together, staying loving and rising in love with this fellow voyager, on your Life’s journey, is what Happiness truly is. Now, when you are happy in someone’s presence, how can you ever be bored of them?

[Vaani and AVIS are the happynesswalas™. They are expert writers and biographers, accomplished speakers and conversationalists, and culture specialists. To know their fascinating story, click here.] 

​By the happynesswalas™, Vaani and AVIS

11-minute read
​Synopsis:
Balan Nair was a master of his craft, of the science of astrology. His greatest proficiency lay in his deep understanding of the process of Life, of the way we humans experience it.

He was our astrologer for close to two decades. Through our interactions with him, we learned to appreciate what Life is and how to cope with its inscrutability and upheavals.

​In this blog post, we share some key insights that we have gained from our conversations with Balan Nair. These are:  

• Our understanding of astrology and how we use it.
• How mastery is attained by taking what you love doing and making it your entire Life, your purpose.
• Why time, divinity and grace in Life must be respected and worshipped.
• How surrendering to Life’s flow leads to inner peace and Happiness. 

​Style guide: Vaani and AVIS spell Life with a capital ‘L’ and Happiness with a capital ‘H’. This is because both of them believe that Life is the greatest teacher and Happiness is the biggest wealth. However, when quoting the subjects of their writings, they use these two words without the accentuated capitalization of their first letters.

Our astrologer T. Balan Nair passed on earlier this week. He was 89.

In his passing away, we feel, an era has ended. Because he was the possibly the last master of the ethical practice of Vedic astrology as a science in the world. He was most likely the greatest astrologer of all time. Today’s generation may have called him GOAT.

​But Balan Nair was more than an astrologer to us. He was also a spiritual guide, a teacher and an inspiration. Through our interactions with him over two decades, we learned to appreciate what Life is and how to cope with its inscrutability and upheavals. 

​First meeting was an eye-opener
It was a friend who advised us to consult Balan Nair. This was in April 2004.

Around that time, things were beginning to go wrong at the world-class consulting firm that we ran. We had taken an ethical decision in April 2003 to separate from an unethical customer. Now, this customer accounted for a significant portion of our revenues. Resultantly, we brought in debt to bridge short-term operating cash requirements. We had a sharply defined purpose and a clear vision. And we never compromised on our values. So we expected our integrity, diligence and sincerity to pay off sooner than later. We believed that we would acquire new customers to make up for the lost revenue, repay our debt and keep growing. But, somehow, no matter how hard we tried, our efforts simply didn’t add up. We consistently kept missing our quarterly growth targets. And soon, we were caught in the throes of cash flow issues that began to affect our team’s morale and its performance. All this while, month on month, our debt kept growing.

We were in our late 30s then. And we found our business challenges to be very stressful. Besides, we were keen to understand what was “lacking” in our efforts and why Life was being “unfair” to us.

These questions, and this urge to “somehow fix our problems”, led us to astrology – and to Balan Nair. We went to him thinking that an astrologer “solves” their clients’ problems. Clearly, we were uninformed.

Looking at our horoscopes, and after quickly doing a few mathematical calculations, Balan Nair accurately described our circumstances. He spoke about us being in debt and answered all the questions that we had in our mind. He said that our efforts would bear fruit – but only over time. Importantly, he did not advise us to conduct any special poojai or ritual to propitiate a higher energy.

On the contrary, through answering a question that we had, he helped us better understand the unalterable cosmic design that shapes our lives.

Around then, AVIS wore rings on two of his fingers. They had “special” gems set in them to “help protect us during difficult times”. He was not convinced with the idea of wearing those rings. But he still wore them because a friend had strongly recommended them. We also thought that we were not losing anything by AVIS wearing those rings.

That day, AVIS showed Balan Nair his rings and asked for his opinion on their utility.

Balan Nair laughed heartily first. He then asked: “Kallaala vidhiya maatra mudiyuma, Saar?” “Can a stone change your destiny, Sir?”

We stared at him in silence. True, how could a pre-ordained Life design be altered by wearing a stone set in a ring? The absurdity of our choice and our expectation became evident to us in a nanosecond. We felt woefully stupid.

Balan Nair continued, answering his own question: “Bhakti ala matrum mudiyum.” “Only devotion can change it.”

That was an awakening moment for us.

The devotion that Balan Nair was talking about was surely not religious or ritualistic fervor. As we continued to consult him, we found that he consistently advised both of us to stay devoted to the experience that we were going through. He told us: “You learn from experience what no university can ever teach you.”

​He had certainly known that our challenges would only mount. He had seen it all coming even when he studied our horoscopes for the first time. Sure enough, our firm went bankrupt and plunged us into a very, very dark space – where we had to deal with prolonged spells of worklessness, pennilessness and cluelessness. Through all this torturous darkness, we have clung on to Balan Nair’s advice. We have stayed devoted to our lived experiences and to the learnings that we gleaned from our journey. This approach has helped us to find purpose and evolve into being the happynesswalas™ that we are today. It has helped us keep the faith, taught us to be patient and to remain hopeful that, over time, we will bounce back, repay our debt and rebuild our material Life. (Read our story here.)  

​Understanding what astrology truly is
Over the many conversations that we have had with Balan Nair, we have learned that astrology cannot change your Life. In fact, no human intervention can alter your Life’s design. And astrology can’t solve your problems either. At best, astrology serves as a dashboard. Just as your car’s dashboard displays information on various parameters that can help you to drive your car safely and efficiently, astrology can enable you to lead your Life better. It can help you to deal with your problems better. But the critical aspect of leading your Life is, and will always be, only your responsibility. This means that you still have to work hard, deal with your circumstances and challenges, and make important, intelligent, choices and decisions.

Astrology is a science. It employs mathematical and astronomical data to compute the impact of planetary alignments on human Life. Good astrologers, like good doctors, are not charlatans or soothsayers. They are seers – they have seen Life and its inscrutable nature through the innumerable horoscopes that they have studied and advised upon.

​So, to us, astrology is a tool. It helps us take informed decisions. We use it the way we use a weather forecast or a smartphone.  If the weather forecast tells us that there are going to be showers, we may prefer staying indoors or we know that we will be better off carrying an umbrella when we go out. Surely, just because the weather forecast says a storm is coming, we don’t despair. It doesn’t mean that we stop living. It only means that we work on being better prepared, while learning to accept whatever’s happening with the weather. That’s really how astrology too is useful. Similarly, like how having a smartphone makes Life simpler, so does astrology. Of course, we can live without a smartphone. But when used intelligently, a smartphone is a must-have asset.

​Humble giant
We consider having known Balan Nair and having consulted him a precious blessing in our Life.

He was a master of the craft of astrology. Divinity spoke through him, just as it has flowed through S.P. Balasubrahmanyam’s or R.D. Burman’s or M.S. Subbulakshmi’s music. He had the brilliance of Viswanathan Anand. And the mastery of Roger Federer. Besides, he had Mother Teresa’s and Mahatma Gandhi’s compassion and simplicity. During the 70-odd years that he practiced astrology, Balan Nair remained relevant, much like how Asha Bhosle and Amitabh Bachchan are in cinema.

Yet, Balan Nair preferred maintaining a very low profile. You see, virtuosity bestows fame on some people. Some others become famous even without significant talent or skill. And a few choose to remain ordinary, unsung and unknown, despite their phenomenal genius. Balan Nair belonged to the third category. That’s why he was a humble giant.  

His ability to quickly, precisely, comprehend, review and comment on a person’s Life journey was profound. And unparalleled. He used the person’s birth date, and their place and time of birth to compute the specific period of time that they were going through. He did this manually – with paper and pen. He did not need a calculator. He never used a computer or smartphone. He completed his calculations in just a few minutes, using pure mathematics. Thousands of permutations and combinations are possible when considering astronomical data and planetary alignments in people’s horoscopes. It takes sheer genius and mastery to tell someone exactly how a specific set of planetary alignments can impact them and how they can cope better with their Life. And Balan Nair was not just quick at doing this, he also never quite made a mistake. He was sharp, accurate and honest. Always.

Although Chennai had been his home for most of his Life, Balan Nair hailed from a small village called Kuzhalmannam near Palakkad, in Kerala. He was trained in astrology by his guru and uncle Kannan Nair who was a renowned astrologer in the first half of the 20th century. The uncle passed on much of his knowledge to his nephew in the oral tradition. But Balan Nair also studied mathematics, Sanskrit, Malayalam, Tamil and the Vedic scriptures. He was well-versed in ancient Indian astrologer and astronomer Varahamihira’s seminal work, Brihat Jatakam. This work is considered the bible of the science of astrology. It has 28 chapters that contain 407 shlokas (verses in Sanskrit). Balan Nair appeared to know this work by heart. Years and years of disciplined practice, and devotion to his own craft, had undoubtedly made him an expert. That’s why he never really needed to refer to any books or additional material when he spoke. He presented insights and perspectives from memory. His wisdom came from deep within him: From the inner recesses of the enormous quantum of knowledge he had devoured and from all the matchless experience he had gained.

However, Balan Nair’s greatest proficiency lay in his deep understanding of the process of Life, of the way we humans experience it. So he exactly knew how people were feeling when they came to him. The wealthy, the powerful, the poor, the ordinary, the mighty and the meek – everyone came to him. And he met everyone. Most people came to him for the first time only when they were in distress. They came to him seeking answers. They felt Life was confounding and inscrutable, and they came wanting to desperately make sense of it. Balan Nair was gentle with whoever came to him. He treated them with care, compassion and generosity. We believe that he had absolute clarity about his role on the planet: It was to employ his spiritual talent – his expertise in astrology – to help people navigate their Life journeys better. He wasn’t in it for money. He wasn’t in it for fame. He was in it because it was his Life, it was his purpose.

In all these 20 years that we have consulted him, never once did he ask for a fee. He merely accepted whatever we offered him.

Clearly, for us, his empathy and compassion were bigger than his astrological genius. For instance, he never told us in April 2004 that we would have to deal with an enduring bankruptcy, over such a long period of time. But he also never sugarcoated the truth: He did tell us that we would have to face severe problems. Indeed, we have often wanted him to be brutally honest with us. But he practiced his craft with a rare sensitivity. So he spared us the grave details. But whenever we met him, he knew that he had to goad us to hang in there. And stay hopeful. Which is why he would always say that our efforts would bear fruit, and our Life would change, over time.

His greatness did not just lie in his ability to quickly make complex calculations. Having done that, he would masterfully recite the most appropriate shloka, or use a powerful metaphor, that would help the person understand their situation better – in a simple, easy-to-grasp manner.

“Varandu pona bhoomi la, oru sottu thanni vizhinda mathiri irrukkum.” “You will feel the relief that a parched land experiences when a drop of water falls on it.”

“Pasi pokkarthukku, oru tea, oru bun kidaykkum.” “You will get just enough to eat when you are feeling ravenous.”

​Balan Nair is a shining example of what happens when you take what you love doing and make it your entire Life. Through disciplined practice, you become better and better at your craft. And over time you become a master. You then soak in that mastery, in the limitless joy that it gives you, working day after day, until your last breath, to enrich the lives of fellow humans with your knowledge and craft.

​The way he lived his Life also teaches us the value of staying grounded, humble and ethical – no matter how talented we are. For instance, he answered the phone personally and set up or rescheduled his appointments himself. He chose not to have an assistant. He was also exceptionally ethical. He never used the information and insights he had to manipulate us. We have known of skilled astrologers who have manipulated their clients using the levers of religion and ritual. But Balan Nair never did that. His ethical stance may have surely cost him financially. Yet, it was this quality in him that grew his aura beyond compare and made him the only one of a kind. We never got a chance to talk to him about how he saw himself. But, from the way he conducted himself, with grace and humility, he perhaps never believed that he was the greatest astrologer. Even so, great astrology was being practiced, ethically, brilliantly, through him. This is possible only when divinity expresses itself through its few chosen, deserving human instruments. 

Spiritual guide
Balan Nair’s astrological insights have definitely helped us to navigate our prolonged crisis. But we have been influenced even more by his spiritual perspectives. They have guided us to find inner strength and see the light within us in the darkest of times.

Specifically, conversations with him have taught us to respect three important factors that impact human Life. These three factors are called kaalam, kadavul and karunai in Tamil. Balan Nair believed that a deep understanding of these factors is crucial to get through Life’s journey, to cross the choppy seas of worldly human existence.

We have both internalized our understanding of these factors thus:  

• Kaalam means time. We have learned that we are all a product of the time that we go through. So we must respect time. In fact, we must worship time. Because it is all-powerful, ever-changing and has this quality of constantly humbling all forms of creation, humans included.
• Kadavul means God. To us, as it did to Balan Nair perhaps, kadavul goes beyond the popular idea of God. It points to the divinity that shapes the lives of all forms of creation on the planet. We have learned to love and celebrate the essence of divinity – in each of us, in humanity, all around us and in Nature.
• Karunai means compassion. In the context of a compassionate divine force, grace is a more appropriate meaning for karunai. Grace is the higher energy that flows from the fountainhead of divinity and powers the universe. The truth is that all our lives are soaked in divine grace. Look at your own Life. There’s irrefutable evidence of grace in it too: You have always got what you have needed. Always. Even though you may not have got what you wanted. To feel the presence of grace though, you must practice gratitude daily. You must be grateful for what you have.

Over the last two decades, we have learned to worship time, divinity and grace with complete bhakti, devotion. And we have surrendered to Life. We have learned that Life happens in cycles of time. Simply, what goes up in one cycle, comes down in the next, only to go up again in yet another cycle. Such is Life.

​Surrendering to Life does not mean inaction. It means trusting Life’s cyclical process and going with the flow. It means making your best efforts every single day and remaining non-frustrated even when you don’t get the results that you expect.

In living our Life this way, we have also seen a predictable pattern among us humans. When we get what we want, we think we have been successful. And when we don’t get what we want, we think we have failed and conclude that Life has been unfair to us. Both points of view are best avoided if we intend being happy in Life. The truth is that we cause and control nothing – neither our successes, nor our failures. It is Life’s nature to express itself through a series of cycles that flow up and down, up and down, endlessly. As long as we accept Life for the way it is, we will be peaceful and happy no matter what circumstances we are placed in.

We both believe that Life is the greatest teacher. Which is why we spell it with a capital ‘L’. Through reflecting on our lived experiences, we have learned that every down cycle in Life, no matter how much time it takes, is there with a reason: It is there to make each of us stronger, wiser and happy. The very fact that we both are still around, that we are still in the game – of Life – is evidence of this truth.

Yes, we both are soldiering on. Despite the enduring bankruptcy. And despite the arrival of newer challenges that have made our journey even more painful. But we are not bitter with Life. We are, in fact, thriving. We are living a Life of purpose, Inspiring 'Happyness'™! A principal reason for this is Balan Nair’s profound influence on our Life. His timeless, priceless wisdom is a gift that our crisis has given us. We will cherish it forever. 

[Vaani and AVIS are the happynesswalas™. They are expert writers and biographers, accomplished speakers and conversationalists, and culture specialists. To know their fascinating story, click here.]