A fellow voyager’s presence makes Life magical

True companionship has no label. It is free of restrictive societal frameworks. It has no gender bias. It just calls for both partners to walk together and stay loving.

​By the happynesswalas™, Vaani and AVIS

7-minute read
Synopsis:
Having a companion who is willing to hold your hand, and your heart, through Life’s inscrutable journey, is a priceless blessing. It is Happiness.

​Now, you may meet a lot of people in Life. Some of these people may turn out to be good friends too. But beyond such friends, and close family, only a fellow voyager is a true, long-term companion. They alone walk alongside you, every step of the way – no matter what the circumstances are. Such companionship is possible only when both partners go beyond the event of falling in love, and continuously rise in love and stay loving.
When such companionship happens, any challenge can be patiently faced – and overcome – together. 

​Style guide: Vaani and AVIS spell Life with a capital ‘L’ and Happiness with a capital ‘H’. This is because both of them believe that Life is the greatest teacher and Happiness is the biggest wealth. However, when quoting the subjects of their writings, they use these two words without the accentuated capitalization of their first letters.

Our young friend Prashanth asked us a question the other day: “Don’t you ever get bored of each other?”

Prashanth is 25. We often meet him at our neighborhood grocery store. Sometimes we pause in the aisles to have a chat with him. We talk about the weather, cricket, movies, books and politics.

Of course, we found his question intriguing. Sensing this, he expanded on it: “I see you both always together. I wonder if you ever get bored of being with each other. Or is this what they call ‘true love’”?

We both smiled at each other and then at Prashanth. AVIS replied first: “Love is staying loving, no matter what the circumstances are or what’s happening around us. And staying loving is celebrating each other’s presence in our Life.” And Vaani added, “To us this means enjoying being with each other and being happy with what we have.” 

​Having known each other for 37 years and having lived together for 35 years, we have gone past the cliched state of ‘falling in love and being happily married ever after’. 

​Rise in love
We have come to believe that the popular definition of ‘falling in love’ restricts the entire process of romance to a single event – to when the ‘falling’ happened. Also, marriage signifies a second, defining and epochal event. And then it is as if it is all over. The romance is done and dusted with marriage. Besides, over time, the marriage grows older and, in most cases, it is therefore boring.

But, interestingly, that’s not how we have experienced each other and our being together, our companionship.

We married in February 1989 to fulfill societal norms that were tough to negotiate back then. AVIS was 21 and Vaani was 22. We had a lot of fun growing up together. We built a family and home with our two beautiful children. We traveled the world and ran a successful pan-India business in the first 19 years of our Life as a couple. And then, over the next 18 years, up until now, we have been enduring a prolonged bankruptcy.

Yet, in all this time, we haven’t quite grown bored of each other. We believe we have celebrated our lows as much as we have celebrated our highs. Now, a bankruptcy can take a huge toll on a family: It is not really the lack of money alone that is crippling. Those experiencing the situation are crushed emotionally. And, when it spans two decades, everyone has grown older and has lost several precious years dealing with a complex Life situation.

Many relationship experts have talked about a couple breaking up when a crisis hits them. We have seen it happen to couples around us too. But we both have not just survived, we are thriving through our crisis. And if there is one reason why we believe this is happening, it is because we have stayed loving.

Loving, yes, in the present continuous tense. Clearly, we didn’t just stop with falling in love, we have continued to rise in love. We learned about rising in love from one of Osho’s discourses. He asks in it, profoundly:  “People who fall in love have every chance of falling out of love. But what if people rise in love all the time?”

​We could instantly relate to that perspective. We are the rising-in-love type in every possible way. 

​The importance of companionship
Now, is it possible for everyone to find love, stay loving and rise in love?

Before we answer that question, let us understand why companionship is important in Life.

Anyone who has reflected on the process of Life will know that it is completely inscrutable. Life guarantees us nothing. And yet it continuously surprises us.

When you like the surprises you receive you believe that Life’s beautiful. That’s when you are getting what you want. You are then happy and think that you are in control of your Life. Having a companion by your side further accentuates the high you are experiencing. In such times, you are also surrounded by many other people who you think like you and love you: Friends, extended family, business associates and hangers-on.

But, as it always happens, over time, Life changes. You may be saddled with what you don’t want or you may not get what you want. Also, despite all your efforts, integrity and intelligence, you simply can’t gain control of your Life. This phase may sometimes last for a long, long time. You also then discover that all the people who were around you have now drifted away. For some people, their companion too has moved on. You find that you are very unhappy and lonely. That’s really when you long for love, understanding and companionship.

Importantly, having a companion who is willing to hold your hand, and your heart, through the darkness, is a priceless blessing. A companion does not necessarily have a magic wand to solve Life’s problems, but their presence in your Life is magical. It makes the toughest of journeys bearable and meaningful.

Now, you may meet a lot of people in Life. Some of these people may turn out to be good friends too. But beyond such friends, and close family, only a fellow voyager is a true, long-term companion. They alone walk alongside you, every step of the way.

​True companionship has no label. It is free of restrictive societal frameworks. It has no gender bias. It just calls for both partners to walk together. It requires them to go beyond the event of falling in love, and perhaps of marriage too, and continuously rise in love and stay loving.

​Understanding what loving is
When such companionship happens there is no boredom. There’s only loving and Happiness, 24/7. Any challenge then can be patiently faced – and overcome – together.

We use the word loving consciously. It is above the idea of love, the noun. Loving is a verb, in the present, continuous tense. Loving is a continuous flowing of love. It is a celebration of each other’s presence no matter what the circumstances are.

You see, when two young people meet, and are drawn to each other, there is usually a physical quality to the attraction between them. But when they spend more and more time with each other, the physical attraction begins to wear off. Simply, it is not only great sex that they are looking for from each other. The couple may not be able to always articulate their feelings clearly. But what they are looking for is a more engaged presence, a deeper friendship, an unrestricted companionship between them. This shift in needs is quite natural. Besides, over the years, how people look also changes. They often put on weight as they grow older. Now, if the relationship between two people was based on how they once looked, these physical changes will begin to take a toll on their relationship.

Additionally, the circumstances in anyone’s Life are constantly changing. The couple may come by more career growth, wealth, prosperity, fame and power. Or they may lose all that they once had. Or one of them may have a serious, debilitating health condition or an addiction that holds them hostage. Or each person in the relationship thinks the other has changed because of the circumstances.

Which is, overall, you begin to feel that the person that you fell in love with is no longer the person you are living with.

​But what if you saw the whole situation differently? Is the person you were loving back then someone that you are still loving now? The emphasis is on the loving. Not on the looks. Not on the circumstances. The act of loving takes many factors into account: Is this person understanding, is this person caring, is this person feeling, is this person listening? Is this person there for you – always? And are you, in turn, understanding, caring, feeling and listening? Are you there for this person – always? So, loving really means this: “I am loving you for who you have always been and are. It doesn’t matter if how you look has changed or what you do has changed or our circumstances have changed. What is important is that the way we are loving each other remains unchanged. It is the same as the way we were loving each other back when we first met.”
If the loving has not changed over time, it may not change in the future too. But if the loving has changed, then the couple must sit down and talk about it: Calmly, candidly, compassionately. This must happen over several mature conversations. And either they must agree to revive the way they can stay loving or they must choose to move on. The single criteria governing that choice must be their mutual and collective Happiness.
To stay loving is to rise in love. Loving does not need any societal approval like the stamp of a marriage. Importantly, marriage does not necessarily make a couple happy or loving. And to stay loving and happy a couple don’t need to be married. Look around you. Consider the stories of a few couples you know. And you will find this truth staring you in the face. On the other hand, it is companionship, and companionship alone, that inspires loving and Happiness.   

​Let the celebrations never stop
Loving also means always making the time to celebrate momentous milestones and memories, however simply.

AVIS proposed to Vaani on Monday, February 22, 1988, under a rain tree near her home in Chennai. He asked her, “Aren’t we getting dangerously close to each other?” And she replied instantly, looking into his eyes, “Yes.” However, it was only a week later, on the following Monday, February 29, 1988, that both of us firmly agreed to move forward with the idea of a Life together. We celebrated that moment with a box of Cadbury Nutties – the first gift that AVIS got Vaani.

Every leap year, we celebrate our decision to be together: Quietly, beautifully.

​This year we had a box of Cadbury Nutties marking that celebration. Nutties cost Rs.5 a pack back in 1988. A pack of Nutties costs Rs.45 now. In a sense, the price inflation mirrors our loving. Both have risen; but our loving has risen, well, limitlessly. 

Focus on the relating, not on the relationship
It is important to remember that each person’s Life journey is unique. Some people, like us both, find love, meaning and companionship early in Life – and find the loving flowing continuously. Some others find a loving companion but are not able to live with them. Some people get married and find their partner to be loving. Others in a similar context do not have the same experience. Some find companionship and love outside their marriage. Some get stuck in unhappy relationships and keep longing for love.

No matter what the context is, pausing to think deeply about Life helps. You will then realize that Life is a gift. And it is a limited-period offer. No one can afford to squander the time they have left on this planet.

​So, if you are unhappy in your relationship, or are seeking companionship, act now. Urgently. When there is no relating between two people, no matter what the relationship is called, the relationship is not just dysfunctional, it is dead. There is no point clinging on to a dead relationship if you can’t relate to the other person in it. You must simply let go of the relationship and move on.

And almost always, when you let go, when you uncling from a relationship, you will find a believing, trusting, loving companion waiting for you out there with open arms.

‘Humsafar’ is the word commonly used for companion in Hindi and Urdu. It denotes a soulmate and literally means fellow traveler or fellow voyager. It has Persian and Arabic origins. This word amplifies the point we have been making: Which is, the presence of a companion, a ‘humsafar’, a fellow voyager, makes this inscrutable journey of Life magical, beautiful and meaningful.

​Being together, staying loving and rising in love with this fellow voyager, on your Life’s journey, is what Happiness truly is. Now, when you are happy in someone’s presence, how can you ever be bored of them?

[Vaani and AVIS are the happynesswalas™. They are expert writers and biographers, accomplished speakers and conversationalists, and culture specialists. To know their fascinating story, click here.]